pressure

I've lived a third of my life and I'm just getting to the point where I totally get the concept of ignoring outside opinion. I had to get there eventually; I've always been a rebel. It's just sad I had to conform to the point of confining myself to a life I've never wanted before realizing that.

I cannot remember a time in my life that I ever wanted marriage and children (except for the part where I was convinced, thanks to well-meaning devils, that I did). I was always a loner; I never liked kids; I didn't date and didn't care to. Not much has changed in the past 15 years except: as one gets older, one is expected to date, get married, have kids, and LIKE IT!!! And if you don't like it - no matter how adamantly you insisted that you knew you wouldn't - it's your fault and you are a bad person if you end up conforming to the standard model and don't enjoy it. Then, the same people that insisted that you really, really do want a family will tell you that you are dysfunctional, depressed, screwed up, and in need of therapy because you - surprise! SURPRISE! - actually don't like the standard model.

(As you tried to tell them for the first 25 years of your life. Yet, that is your fault, and you are the one in need of therapy. Yeah.)

I have a lot more to say on the subject of pressuring people who clearly have no aptitude or desire for relationships into situations where they are only going to hurt other people and be hurt for it, but I'll just leave it here for now as food for thought.

getting started

Right now I'm drinking a Smirnoff Ice (Wild Grape flavor). I usually prefer Lindemann's Bin 65 Chardonnay, but the liquor stores aren't open on New Year's Day and the grocery stores in these parts don't sell wine.

I just smashed a wine glass against my sink and while trying to clean it up I cut myself. It's fitting. I did it on purpose. (The smashing - not the cutting.) I don't know if I'm quite ready to say this sickly sweet malt beverage I'm nursing at the moment is the last drink I'll ever take, but I'm ready to say there won't be anymore wine in this apartment. Strike that, no more alcohol in this apartment. So I'm going to try to enjoy this even though I really am not in the mood.

I just don't trust myself to leave it in the refrigerator for tomorrow, when I'll just get tempted and then want more. So I'm forcing it down because I refuse to waste it. I may be a day late on my resolution, but I'm no less resolute.

I'm reading a book about how to quit drinking without AA. Sometime when I'm not drunk I'll bother to post a link to Amazon in case anybody stumbles across this blog and maybe I'll get a cut of the sale. Right now, I'm too lazy to go look up the ISBN. Journaling was important, and since I don't have a journal and I'm a techno-geek, I decided to do it electronically.

More later. I'm going to go put on some loud music and sing out loud and indulge in this last drink. Tomorrow, I'll be sober and more in the mood to write something profound. And maybe not sing so loudly, because in all honesty, nobody wants to hear me sing.